Useful Tips

I read an article the other day that offered some sage advice to people taking their matrimonial property disputes to court.  Straight up:

How do we tell the children we are getting a divorce?  This is perhaps the most common question coming from parents entering the separation process.  My first advice to clients is to be prepared.  This may mean reading some books on the subject, talking to a psychologist or counselor, or having a ‘business meeting’ with the other spouse to develop a game plan.  The second piece of advice is that each family’s situation will be different and the message needs to be crafted to fit the children and their individual ages, needs and personalities. 

Taking a child centered approach to your family’s separation helps alleviate some of the negative consequences that comes with the changes that follow. ‘Child centered’ means that parents use strategies for communication and decision-making that is focused on the best interests of their children. They try their best to block out negative feelings towards an ex-partner (adult issues) and concentrate on how best to transition the children into the new routine. This approach recognizes that although the marital relationship has broken down, the parental relationship continues and that there is value with both parents being actively involved in the children’s lives. This is not always easy. Most couples are separating for various reasons – poor communication being one, but if parents frame their decisions and reactions in a child-centered approach, their way of handling things can improve. Children respond and react to stressful/uncertain situations. Children need to know what is happening to them and how their lives are changing (i.e., living situations, seeing each parent, school, etc.). They don’t need to know all the adult issues, just what is important to their lives. 

January is divorce season – typically more divorces happen during this month than any other month during the year. There are many resources and organizations that help educate parents on how to use a child-centered approach. One such group is National Child-Centered Divorce Month – which has now gone global and has reframed its focus to international education/resources. This transition is timely – International Child-Centered Divorce Month is teaming up with world wide experts to provide advice and insights on how to best support children during this transition.

Divorce is one of the most painful experiences of adult life.  Most people will experience pain, grief and other strong and uncomfortable emotions following separation. Support from family, friends and co-workers can help ease the difficulties you are going through. It is helpful to recognize the difference between sympathy (‘you poor thing’), empathy (‘I know exactly what you are going through, let me tell you about me’) and acceptance (‘how can I help and support you?’).  Sympathy and empathy are like eating a piece of chocolate.  They make you feel good for the moment, but the feeling doesn’t last.  Friends and family who offer acceptance are more likely to have a positive long term impact on how you are doing. 

Ontario leads the way with healthier options for divorcing couples:

Divorce is bad for business.  It’s a well known fact.  Businesses can suffer significant losses because of divorce litigation.  Here are a few reasons why:

Divorce is painful.  There are ways to make the process easier.  Here are my top five tips:

A common challenge to developing a healthy co-parenting relationship are fears from the primary care giver that the other parent does not 'know enough' about parenting.  It is true that intact families often choose to divide responsibilities, with one parent being responsible for child related duties and the other parent taking care of the finances and household maintenance.  In those cases it is not surprising that there are worries about whether a parent has enough skill to play a shared parenting role after separation. 

A parent's responsibilities to the child survives the end of an adult relationship.  Each parent's responsibilities to the child actually increases after the adult relationship is over.  Parents who are able to put a child's needs ahead of their own emotions will be able to do what it takes to make good parenting continue.