Useful Tips

How do we tell the children we are getting a divorce?  This is perhaps the most common question coming from parents entering the separation process.  My first advice to clients is to be prepared.  This may mean reading some books on the subject, talking to a psychologist or counselor, or having a ‘business meeting’ with the other spouse to develop a game plan.  The second piece of advice is that each family’s situation will be different and the message needs to be crafted to fit the children and their individual ages, needs and personalities. 

Taking a child centered approach to your family’s separation helps alleviate some of the negative consequences that comes with the changes that follow. ‘Child centered’ means that parents use strategies for communication and decision-making that is focused on the best interests of their children. They try their best to block out negative feelings towards an ex-partner (adult issues) and concentrate on how best to transition the children into the new routine. This approach recognizes that although the marital relationship has broken down, the parental relationship continues and that there is value with both parents being actively involved in the children’s lives. This is not always easy. Most couples are separating for various reasons – poor communication being one, but if parents frame their decisions and reactions in a child-centered approach, their way of handling things can improve. Children respond and react to stressful/uncertain situations. Children need to know what is happening to them and how their lives are changing (i.e., living situations, seeing each parent, school, etc.). They don’t need to know all the adult issues, just what is important to their lives. 

January is divorce season – typically more divorces happen during this month than any other month during the year. There are many resources and organizations that help educate parents on how to use a child-centered approach. One such group is National Child-Centered Divorce Month – which has now gone global and has reframed its focus to international education/resources. This transition is timely – International Child-Centered Divorce Month is teaming up with world wide experts to provide advice and insights on how to best support children during this transition.

Divorce is painful.  There are ways to make the process easier.  Here are my top five tips:

A common challenge to developing a healthy co-parenting relationship are fears from the primary care giver that the other parent does not 'know enough' about parenting.  It is true that intact families often choose to divide responsibilities, with one parent being responsible for child related duties and the other parent taking care of the finances and household maintenance.  In those cases it is not surprising that there are worries about whether a parent has enough skill to play a shared parenting role after separation. 

A parent's responsibilities to the child survives the end of an adult relationship.  Each parent's responsibilities to the child actually increases after the adult relationship is over.  Parents who are able to put a child's needs ahead of their own emotions will be able to do what it takes to make good parenting continue. 

Don't miss our free public seminar: "Finding the Best Legal Options for Me: from do-it-yourself divorce kits to going to court" presented by Leisa MacIntosh, family lawyer & mediator.  Leisa will explain the different legal options available to separating couples and provide tips on how to choose the right service for you.  Topics covered will include online divorce-kits, family mediation, collaborative divorce and family court.  Leisa will also talk about how and when to include children's voices into the divorce process.  Psychologist Susan Hartley will also be present to provide information to parents about co-parenting and how to protect children from adult conflict and loyalty binds.  Come out and learn about what services and resources are available to Pictou County families going through the separation process.

Top 10 ways to protect your kids from conflict:

"When does my child's opinion count?"  This is an increasingly common question asked by separated parents.  The place of the child's voice in the separation and divorce process has been at the centre of academic debate for many years.  With a significant increase in social science research on how children are impacted by divorce, there is a growing recognition that the child's voice needs to be heard.  Judges and psychologists alike are increasingly identifying both the need to hear from children and the positive results that occur when time is taken to properly consider their needs and wishes.

"Really?? A divorce 'Fair'?!" Some jaws dropped, some giggled, and others were deers caught in the headlights.  People didn't quite know what to think about the concept of a Divorce 'Fair'.  But at least it grabs your attention!  It wasn't quite like the fairs I attended as a child.  The fair was organized by the Legal Information Society of Nova Scotia in an effort to provide information to the public about all aspects of separation and divorce.  Many exhibitors attended, ranging from legal services to family counseling services to realtors to life coaches.  Attendees were able to visit different booths and ask questions to the various professionals about how they help families going through transition.  Knowing that men and women have different comfort levels in these situations, and perhaps to avoid an awkward situation of seeing an ex-partner, the organizers separated men and women into different days.