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Top 10 ways to protect your kids from conflict:
1. Talk to your children about your separation.
Tell them, in simple words they will understand, about what the separation means to them and their lives.
2. Be discreet.
Don't leave court papers and letters from lawyers lying on the kitchen table. Don't talk to your lawyer, best friend or mother about legal matters or your ex when the kids are in the next room.
3. Act like grown-ups. Keep your conflict away from the kids.
Save arguments or fights for a mediator's office or a scheduled meeting at Tim Horton's.
4. Keep Dad in the picture.
Studies show that the more fathers are after separation and divorce, the better for everyone. Develop a child-centred parenting plan that allows a continuing and meaningful relationship with both parents.
5. Deal with anger appropriately.
Don't let your anger at your ex get in the way with your children's relationship with that parent.
6. Be a good parent.
Children will forgive you for 'losing it' once in a while, but not for long. Don't let your personal struggles with the separation get in the way of good parenting. Studies tell us that good parenting is one of the most important factors in how children adjust to separation.
7. Take care of yourself.
If feelings of depression, anxiety, or anger continue to overwhelm you, seek help. Even a few counselling sessions can be enormously helpful.
8. Keep the people your children care about in their lives.
Encourage your children to stay connected to your ex's family and important friends. If possible, use the same baby-sitter or childcare. This stable network strengthens a child's feeling that they are not alone in the world and having a deep and powerful support system.
9. Be thoughtful about your future relationships.
Ask yourself: must your children meet everyone you date? Take time, a lot of time, before you remarry or cohabit again. Young children in particular form attachments to your potential life partners and if new relationships break up, loss after loss may lead to depression and lack of trust in children. Don't expect kids to instantly love someone you've chosen - this person will have to earn their respect and affection.
10. Pay your child support.
Even if you are angry or access to your children is withheld, pay child support regularly. Children whose parents separate or divorce face much more economic instability than their married counterparts, even when support is paid. Let your message to the kids be that you care so much about them that you will keep them separate and safe from any conflict.
(Words of wisdom from Dr. Joan Kelly, clinical psychologist and researcher, who has taught us all how to do a better job at protecting children from conflict.)
